Whether you were told about your adoption early in childhood by your adoptive or foster parents, or only discovered it later by chance, shaping your identity as an adoptee can be a complex journey.
Adoptees must come to terms with the fact that they were unable—or not allowed—to grow up with their biological parents. A common challenge is coping with feelings of rejection, which can, in turn, affect self-worth.
Adoption also raises profound questions about identity, from wondering where we come from and who we resemble, to uncertainties about cultural heritage, inherited traits, and personality. These unanswered questions can create a sense of restlessness, leading many adoptees to seek out their biological families in search of answers.
“There are some adoptees who deny being curious about their origins. This is seen by some professionals as an attempt to avoid upsetting the adoptive parents who want to maintain the illusion of a “natural” family. Some adoptive parents have a need to deny the adoption, or if not the adoption, the effect of the adoption on their children.”
Nancy N. Verrier - The Primal Wound (1993:102)
For those who cannot obtain further information from official documents, or for those who were illegally adopted (e.g., from South Korea, Lebanon, Vietnam, Peru, or China), DNA analysis is often the only option.
Even adoptees who have managed to trace their biological mother are frequently left with unanswered questions about their biological father. This is because the circumstances surrounding a child's adoption often involve fear and shame on the part of the mother. In some cases, they stem from traumatic experiences such as rape, while in others, they may be linked to a failed relationship or an affair. As a result, some mothers either do not know the identity of the biological father or refuse to disclose any information about him.
In such cases, DNA analysis combined with genealogical research becomes essential in uncovering the paternal family of origin. In many instances, the biological father may not even be aware that he has a child who was placed for adoption.
Worth knowing
Relationships and healing
Discovering one’s biological origins does not automatically lead to forming a relationship with one’s birth family. In many cases, this can be challenging.
However, simply knowing their origins can often bring a sense of healing to adoptees.
At the same time, many adoptees describe an inexplicable bond and sense of familiarity when meeting their biological parents or siblings for the first time.
The role of the adoptive family
Uncovering the mystery of one’s biological origins does not threaten the structure of an adoptive family, provided the family system is healthy and supportive. In most cases, adoptees receive encouragement and additional support from their adoptive parents.
However, if the adoptive family harbours fears or insecurities, this can lead to conflicts of loyalty. In such cases, external support from professional family counselling can help all those involved navigate the situation.
Painful truths
In some cases, the search for one’s origins can initially uncover painful truths, making therapeutic support advisable.
However, experience shows that facing this reality is ultimately beneficial. Otherwise, the alternative is lifelong repression or a constant cycle of exaggerated or negative fantasies.